


The Morning Report

by thekellylynn



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 04:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4249452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekellylynn/pseuds/thekellylynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimers:  I own nothing.  SGA, Monty Python, Star Trek, South Park, etc., do not belong to me.  They belong to their respective owners.  I have student loans.  I am willing to trade.</p>
<p>I have no beta.  So any and all mistakes are mine.  Be warned, I have comma issues.  If anyone would like to beta for me, I will bake you a cake.  Seriously.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Morning Report

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: I own nothing. SGA, Monty Python, Star Trek, South Park, etc., do not belong to me. They belong to their respective owners. I have student loans. I am willing to trade.
> 
> I have no beta. So any and all mistakes are mine. Be warned, I have comma issues. If anyone would like to beta for me, I will bake you a cake. Seriously.

Major Evan Lorne strolled down the corridor, PDA in hand, getting ready for the morning report as he did every morning. And like he did every morning, he walked up the stairs in the Gate Room, nodded to Chuck, and took his usual position near the windows overlooking Atlantis to sort through all the incident reports that had been sent to Col. Sheppard. He forwarded the minor ones to his own email and organized the reports left. His email pinged and he took a moment to open the message. A smile hovered around his lips as he read it. He deleted the message and put his PDA back in his pocket. 

Lorne then continued on his way. He knocked on Dr. Weir’s door and waited patiently for her to call him in. When he entered, he was immediately set upon by a short bald man in a three piece suit.

“Ah, Major Lorne. Jarrod Green,” he stuck his hand out in greeting. Lorne glanced at Elizabeth. She made a minute shrug. Lorne shook his hand warily.

“Sir.”

Green smiled. “I just want to let you know that the IOA is very grateful that you and Col. Sheppard are taking the time to show me around here. The IOA just wants to know how things run here at Atlantis. I’m here to observe only. So just do whatever you normally would and forget I’m here,” he laughed.

“If you say so, sir,” Lorne said and nodded at Elizabeth. “Ma’am?”

Elizabeth made a shooing motion toward the door. “I believe it’s time for the morning report,” she said. “I sent a few reports for Col. Sheppard to sign. Please make sure that he does.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Lorne nodded and exited her office, waving Green in front of him. As he was leaving the office, he swung around and gave Elizabeth a quick wink. Elizabeth quickly looked down at her papers to hide her smile. Lorne turned to look at Agent Green.

“Is there anything that you need before we begin, sir? Any questions?” he asked.

Green smiled again in a condescending way. “I’m not here, remember, Major? I’ll ask questions when we’re through.”

“If you say so, sir,” Lorne said again and began walking toward the transporter. Green followed him and leaned against the wall. Lorne glanced at him once before getting out his PDA again and making notes. The transporter chimed and Lorne exited with Green behind him. As they neared Col. Sheppard’s door, a small smile played at Lorne’s mouth before it blanked out. He knocked on the door and stepped back into the middle of the hallway. He motioned for Green to do the same. Green frowned at him but complied just before the door slid violently open.

“What?” barked Dr. Rodney McKay, his voice gravelly and thick with sleep.

“It’s time for the morning report, Doc,” Lorne replied.

The door slid shut with a bang. Lorne waited a few moments before the door slid open again and a disheveled Col. Sheppard was pushed out of the door. The door slid shut again. Sheppard blinked owlishly at Lorne and Green. He turned around when the door slid open again. A pair of boots was tossed out and the door closed with a whoosh. Sheppard yawned, ran his hands through his hair and began putting on his boots.

“Mrng,” he mumbled around another yawn.

“Good morning, sir,” Lorne replied, reaching out to steady Sheppard as he weaved dangerously. Sheppard straightened as he finished tying his boot and shot Green a quizzical look.

“IOA tour,” Lorne said.

“Ah.” He nodded to the confused man who was still staring back and forth between Sheppard and the closed door. Lorne and Sheppard began walking down the hallway, letting Green follow them. They stepped into the transporter.

“So what’s on for today?” asked Sheppard. Lorne checked his PDA as they exited the transporter on Level Six.

“There’s been some reports concerning Botany. Apparently they’re staging a coup,” Lorne started.

“A coup?” John raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, sir. Against the Tribbles,” Lorne replied.

This time both eyebrows went up as he stared at Lorne who stared solemnly back at him.

John sighed. “Confiscate all their “special” experiments,” he said, ignoring the choking sound behind him.

“Yes, sir.” 

They continued down the corridor. Lorne began checking off everything that had happened during the night. Sgt. Stackhouse had found a room filled with the Ancient equivalent of coffee (a bitter aftertaste and significantly less caffeine but Lorne had still put three guards on the room to stop the scientists from scavenging); Dr. Parrish had been overjoyed to find a conservatory of new plant life until some of it tried to eat Katie Brown and made off with his favorite pen; several personnel had reported sightings of a bear (or whatever the Pegasus equivalent was) lumbering around through the halls (it turned out to be just Ronon on a midnight snack run; Lorne made a note to find him a mini-fridge as soon as possible).

A squeak came from behind them. They turned slightly to the stunned IOA agent. John snickered at the pale, wide-eyed face but quickly turned it into a cough.

“Next,” John said as they neared the corridor intersection.

Whatever Lorne had been about to say was interrupted by the ping of his email. He opened the message.

“Uh, sir?”

“What?” asked John

“Zoology has lost an animal,” Lorne read from the PDA.

John stopped. “What kind of animal?” he asked warily. Lorne scrolled down the entry.

“Apparently it’s the Athosian equivalent of a bunny.” He frowned. “Only this one has razor sharp teeth that…” he was interrupted by a blood-curling scream from one of the side corridors ahead followed by the sound of men shouting.

“Stand your ground, men!”

“Oh my God! What is that thing?” Another scream was followed by a low growl.

“Fire, fire, fire!” A round of P-90 fire echoed through the hall.

“Stand down. Target is destroyed. Repeat, target destroyed.”

There was a rustling sound followed by the sound of retching. “Oh my God! It killed Kenny!”

“I’m not dead yet,” a plaintive voice said.

A moment of silence followed this statement.

John and Lorne exchanged a look and turned down a hallway leading away from the scene. Lorne glanced down at his PDA and crossed something off on his list. Wheezing accompanied them as they continued.

“Uh,” said John as he glanced warily back over his shoulder, “what else?”

“Well, sir, we still haven’t been able to locate that thing that’s been living in the sewers…”

~*~*~*~*~

The gate shut down with a whoosh. Elizabeth sighed as she handed two powerbars to Chuck.

“Do I want to know why he left so soon?” she asked.

John and Lorne shared a look.

“Nah.”

“Uh, no, ma’am.”

Elizabeth shook her head and headed toward her office. “That’s the third one this year,” she mumbled to herself.

Lorne and John made it out of the Gate Room before they convulsed in laughter.

“Today was truly inspired,” John sad as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“Couldn’t have planned it better ourselves,” Lorne said as he slumped against the wall. 

Lorne and John looked at each other before dissolving into laughter once more.

“Hey chuckleheads.”

John and Lorne looked over to see a frowning Rodney McKay.

“Why is there a room full of coffee and no one told me about it?” he ranted, flapping his arms violently. “I had to learn about it from Zelenka and then your stupid grunts wouldn’t let me have any! I expect coffee in my lab in the next hour.” He began walking away, still ranting. “And don’t let Ronon out at night. He scared three of my minions and they refused to leave their quarters until the “bear” was caught.” He stopped suddenly and swung around to face John. “Oh, I almost forgot. One of the techs activated one of the Ancient devices, even though it was in the Danger: Do Not Touch On Pain of Death pile. No one has a strong enough gene to turn it off. So go turn it off before it turns all my lab techs into chinchillas.” With that he walked off still grumbling about the coffee.

Sheppard stared after him with raised eyebrows and shook his head. He nodded at Lorne and loped after Rodney. Lorne watched them with a smile as they turned the corner and pulled out his PDA. He crossed another item off on his list and headed for the mess. It was where he usually went after the morning report. And today was just a usual day in Atlantis.

The End

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Morning Report [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4272702) by [librarychick_94](https://archiveofourown.org/users/librarychick_94/pseuds/librarychick_94)




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